The Disney theme parks - Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and Disney/MGM Studios - were both very enjoyable and very unsettling - often at the same time.
For instance, one might think this banner at the entrance to the Magic Kingdom...
...would be the harbinger of a "very enjoyable" experience.
Until, that is, one enters the park and discovers that the cheerleaders in question are not the stuff of one's high school fantasies, but those of one's junior high nightmares.
I'm talking
hordes of 12 year-old girls at their absolute giggliest. And They. Were. Everywhere.
Most notably ... in every single ride line ... both in front of, and behind, me.
As such, I now know that someone named Laura, despite being "totally sweet" and "totally pretty," is also "totally fake." I'm assuming Laura was either not in present company or just "totally submissive."
There are no "employees" at the Disney parks - there are only "cast members." So when they need to find a guy to chlorinate the brown water in Pirates of the Caribbean, or someone to sell astronaut ice cream at the Space Mountain souvenir shop, they're not "hiring" so much as "Casting for Exciting New Roles!"
And despite the adage of there being no small parts, I defy you to tell that to the guy...
...whose 9-5 "role" is playing "Toy Story Army Man #2."
The size and scope of the Disney cast makes my mind numb. Given how many thousands of people it must take to staff these parks, not to mention the hotels and other Disney operations, I feel like it must be genuinely unique and interesting to meet a resident of Orlando who's NOT in the employ of Disney.
Girl at Bar 1: I work at the Jungle Cruise.
Girl at Bar 2: And I work at Splash Mountain. What do you do?
Guy at Bar: Graveyard shift line-cook, Denny's.
Girls: Ooohh!
Disney is to Orlando what "the mill" was to every small West Virginia/Pennsylvania mining town: your family's worked there for generations, but you - the young idealist - are gonna be different, you're gonna go off to college and get out of this deadend town...
...but then your father falls ill and your girlfriend gets pregnant and, before you know it, you're working right in your dad's old spot on the line, serving up roasted turkey legs at The Lunching Pad in Tomorrowland.
In the Magic Kingdom the Disney cast spans all ages, races, etc., but in Epcot there's some typecasting at play. See, in the World Showcase area, where the park is divided into cute little foreign country exhibits, the cast members are all region specific.
Meaning, the China area was staffed by those of Asian descent; the Moroccan bazaar was run by Middle Eastern folks; and everyone in Germany was genetically superior.
Hell, even the two guys manning the sidewalk gellato cart were speaking fluent Italian.
I'm sure this is a great touch for the red state tourists who don't normally get to see non-Americans in their natural (Florida theme park) environments, but the whole time I was in Epcot all I could think about was whether a China employee had ever been asked to work a double over in Japan.
"Motion detecting door: since late 1674"
The last time I was in Epcot, it was 1996 and I was performing with a high school band not unlike this one:
In retrospect, given that this bassist and guitarist are probably considered the "cool" guys in the band...
...I can only imagine how hot I looked rocking a bass clarinet.
These waving children are just one inadvertent swerve away from a lifetime of "Goofy: thrown from and dragged by bus" nightmares.
I went to Epcot and all I got was...
...the ability to kill a man using only an eyelash.
*Note on this book: the back cover touts author Stephen K. Hayes as the only Westerner to ever study with renowned ninjitsu master Tomohito, and that this book marks the first time the secrets of Tomohito have been reprinted.
Which leads to me wonder if author Stephen K. Hayes is now
the late author Stephen K. Hayes.
The best park in Orlando was Disney/MGM, and the best ride there wasn't just some rollercoaster.
Nor was it just some
rock 'n' rollercoaster.
It was a rock 'n rollercoaster...
...starring AEROSMITH.
The ride's premise - and sceenwriters take note: theme park rides today have moved beyond simple up-down-loop to incorporate actual STORY LINES - is that you, the rider, are a visitor at the famous "G-Force Records," where Aerosmith is currently laying down some new tracks. (Never mind that the track being "laid down" is Walk This Way, a song the band has already recorded not once but twice before.)
So you enter the "studio" area where across the room a 3D video projection shows the band members in the control room nodding their heads and saying things like, "Hey Brad, let's bump up that bass" and "Okay, Steven."
They then notice and welcome all the guests in their studio and say they're gonna give you a sneak peek at their new album. (
Permanent Vacation '05: Permanenter?)
Suddenly, the control room door flies open and their lady manager bursts in.
"Guys!" she says. "We've gotta go! Your concert's starting any minute now!"
The manager is played in the video by the actress
Illeana Douglas. Oh, how I'd have loved to hear her manager inform her of this gig:
Manager: Well, it's not exactly a film.
Douglas: That's fine, I'll do HBO.
Manager: Well, it's not ... tv either.
Douglas: Broadway? Look, I don't-
Manager: It's a Disney rollercoaster. And you have second billing to the band Aerosmith. I'm fired, aren't I?
So poor Illeana Douglas ushers the band out of the studio and into their limo, but not before Steven Tyler can promise all of the visiting fans backstage passes and a ride to their concert.
Aerosmith leaves their frazzled manager with the dilemma of how to get ALL THESE PEOPLE to the concert. She takes out her cellphone.
"Hi, Danny? I'm gonna need a car over at G-Force Studios. Make it a stretch. No wait- (she takes a look at all the people waiting). Better make it a
super stretch.
"Oh, and Danny? Make sure it's FAST."
Illeana Douglas: you go girl!
Next thing you know, you're sitting in a Hummer-styled coaster car, flying on an indoor track that's meant to resemble the LA freeway. As you pull through corkscrew loops you pass by signs for Sunset Boulevard, the Rainbow and Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, all while "Sweet Emotion" blasts overhead.
The ride is completely synced up to the song so that you arrive "backstage" just as the band hits their last note and exits the stage, yelling things like "We love you, LA!" and "Okay, Steven."
Ohh, I haven't laughed that hard at an Aerosmith effort since Bruce Willis died on an asteroid.
After getting all fired up on rock 'n' rollercoasting, I wanted to keep that adrenaline buzz going, so I immediately headed over to the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular.
Few things in this world give me as much pleasure as watching young actors hone their chops by performing marathon stage combat while lip-synching action dialogue and dodging 1000 degree pyro bursts.
For those 20 minutes a show, six times a day, University of Central Florida theatre major Devon Miller IS Indiana Jones.
Just not on this particular day:
Wha? My disappointment reaches a level of gut-punch pain when I learn the nature of this "production activity."
Turns out the day I visited MGM, the Epic Stunt Spectacular site was being used for the finals of the ... National All-Star Cheerleading Championship.
(beat)
Damn you, Laura.
